Sunday, July 22, 2018

12 Linkin Park Songs That Have Helped People Through Dark Times

12 Linkin Park Songs That Have Helped People Through Dark Times:

Some of these I never heard before, but ones not on the list that hits me every time I hear it

Yo, yo
Forfeit the game, before somebody takes you out of the frame
Put your name to shame, cover up your face
You can’t run the race, the pace is too fast, you just won’t last
Won’t last, won’t last, won’t last, won’t last,
Won’t last, won’t last, won’t last, won’t last, won’t last, won’t last, won’t last,
Won’t last, won’t lastYou love the way, I look at you
While taking pleasure in the awful things you put me through
You take away if I give in
My life, my pride, is brokenYou like to think you’re never wrong
(You like to think you’re never wrong)
You have to act like you’re someone
(You have to act like you’re someone)
You want someone to hurt like you
(You want someone to hurt like you)
You want to share what you’ve been through
(You live what you’ve learned)
Learned, learned, learned, learned, learnedYou love the things, I say I’ll do
The way I hurt myself again, just to get back at you
You take away, when I give in
My life, my pride, is broken



via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2zY1xSp 12 Linkin Park Songs That Have Helped People Through Dark Times

At peaceOne of the toughest things to accomplish while learning DBT is the art of radical...

At peace

One of the toughest things to accomplish while learning DBT is the art of radical acceptance. When something I want doesn’t work out I have to be at peace with it. I must accept it. It is what it is.

Throughout my life I have hit highs and lows. The way I treat people hasn’t always been kind. In fact when I had my psychotic break in 2016 many people turned their back on me. Even before then it was tough to be accepted into many social circles and build friendships. I always had the inkling people were going to walk away.

I was telling my wife yesterday that I have finally come to terms with many of the disappearing acts out of my life. Starting with my immediate family. My father has never been a father. He has always been psychologically abusive. I could really get into the dark dirty details of my upbringing and I will say that I was not a perfect kid. I was trying to find my way between being bullied and trying to gain approval acceptance from both friends and family. The way he treated me and my lack of having real true blood friends spilled out to my brother who has been so cold to me over the years despite numerous attempts of trying to reach out to him and try to patch things up. My family doesn’t seem to care what is happening with me my immediate family or anything resembling my life. So I have been angry. Angry for oh so long and recently I have accepted it.

My brother called me one day to ask if I wanted to work for him. Myself being a business owner and contractor to a company am always looking for opportunities. However due to things that happened the last time we worked together I thought it would be in our best interests not to work together again because once again I believed in a fairy tale that we would rebuild our relationship and I could see my nephews and niece who I love dearly more often. He got mad obviously but couldn’t share that with me. I found him others to work since he was short on drivers and didn’t even get a thank you. I also didn’t get a call on my birthday. So I realize now he isn’t interested in a relationship with me. The only way I got him to call me was telling him I was going to kill myself which I had serious thoughts of doing and I contacted five people to talk me out of it because that is what I needed.

As far as my dear old dad when I did work for my brother we had the falling out and my dad just stopped talking to me. He didn’t care that he had two grand daughters. When I decided to get married I invited him and he turned down the invite at first. But then he wanted to come and we talked on the phone a little. Later on we had a party at my house and both my brother and father thought it would be a good idea to get into an argument in my basement too. Shortly after that my dad once again out of nowhere stopped talking to me once again cutting my kids out of his life as well. On Christmas he sent an anonymous text wishing me a merry Christmas. I was angry. Who the fuck does he think he is to just bounce in and out of my life whenever he feels like it? And I blame many of my behavioral tendencies on him. The way he treated me growing up to now is not ok.

These two people have become toxic parts of my life because of the hurt I feel when I think of them. So I as in the dbt playbook says let it go. I have become peaceful with my decision. It’s not what I ultimately want. I want to have a loving family support me. I wanted a relationship with my brother so bad. But I now see in the end the see saw games do not work with me. I need real not conveinient. Not a relationship when you feel its your obligation. It’s a real heartbreak that when I lost my mom in 99 the dominoes fell.

There are other instances. For instance pretty much my whole wedding party is out of my life. A guy who I called my best friend never wants to talk to me. It’s the biggest one sided relationship ever. A woman who I thought was one of my best friends shut me out of her life during my psychotic break. She was also friends with my wife who was dealing with my issues and she just withdrew all support from her as well and went from I can only talk tv shows with you to blocking us on Facebook and cutting us out forever. My other friend comes and goes but everytime he invites me to a family party I get a call a few days making sure I won’t be mad at his stepdad who almost ruined my entire life. He hired me for a job and was so verbally abusive and manipulative to me it wasn’t funny. He played me like a fiddle and then sold me out to the company he was ripping off and cost me my job. A man who thought to be a mentor pretty much got rid of me because he obviously doesn’t understand mental health issues. However all these situations are not things I can change. I can only tell people I’m stable now. They have to make the choice whether or I I’m worth having in their life.

The way I see it I am important. I am worth something and my whole life I have glommed on to whatever clique I could. Trying to befriend people who made fun of me did their best to make me mad and hurt me for their amusement and at the end of the day devalued myself because I wasn’t comfortable being alone. However things have changed. I know I have BPD now and it has played a huge part in my life and many things that happened. I didn’t know who I was for decades but now I’m taking the time to learn. I will succeed. I will win the love and trust of the people who matter most. That is my two kids who are the most wonderful people in the world and my embattled wife my best friend who has been the victim of the majority of my behaviors.

The more I get to know who I am the better I feel. The more comfortable I get. And although everything may not go my way. Everything won’t happen as fast as I want. And perhaps I may be in the end alone. I need to be at peace with it. Because from peace comes love growth understanding and so much more.

Trust the process

M



via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2JKlNGM At peaceOne of the toughest things to accomplish while learning DBT is the art of radical...

Saturday, July 21, 2018

A song you can listen to every time you fall down.



A song you can listen to every time you fall down.



via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2O7OQrp A song you can listen to every time you fall down.

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Song of the day. One day it will all come true



Song of the day. One day it will all come true



via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2uB4kuK Song of the day. One day it will all come true

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

polarlines: The corner I am sitting here in a Starbucks in the back corner all by myself. I am...

Down 7 up 8 We all fall down in life. Especially when it comes to mental health. Yesterday I had an...

Down 7 up 8

We all fall down in life. Especially when it comes to mental health. Yesterday I had an incident. Really don’t know how my feelings became so intense. I felt like I heard a voice in my head telling me I was hated. I talk to my illness sometimes because I feel like it’s the only way I can stop the damage before the rage sets in and I do really stupid things. However my biggest trick is catching it happening before it starts. I don’t like my family to see that side of me. And although it didn’t go as bad as it should I failed yesterday. I actually punched myself in the face to try to stop. I also hit myself in the head with a door. I had ran into the other room and try to ground myself and it honestly wasn’t enough. I couldn’t bring myself back. I was beginning to dissociate and everything was going blurry and I felt drunk. But I was aware of what was happening and that’s he positive.

The amount of shame I feel today is insurmountable. I feel like any time this happens it erases all the hard work I have put in. That may not be true. However that’s how it feels. I end up falling to pieces.

The only thing I can say is get knocked down 7 times have to find a way to get up 8. Does anyone have anything to add to this? How do you rebound after a fall?

M



via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2L7eZYq Down 7 up 8 We all fall down in life. Especially when it comes to mental health. Yesterday I had an...

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Change needed

Change needed

Have you ever had that moment in your life where something really embarrassing your bad happen to you and you need to use that as a catalyst for change?

Well it happened to me in New York I am a huge roller coaster fan as many people may or may not know however the legendary cyclone at Coney Island was a coaster I knew I had to challenge. After all it was featured in many movies. It has been around for decades. And coney is a famous landmark not just in NYC but in our country.

My daughter and I jumped on the red coaster and when they tried to bolt me in they couldn’t close the safety latch because my belly was too big. One time they did but I couldn’t move comfortably and breathe. They had to let me out and ask me to leave he ride. This not only humiliated me but devastated my daughter. She cried over the experience and I was heart broken. I mean it sucked not to be able to ride the cyclone but seeing my daughters reaction to what happened crushed me.

When I left the hospital in 2016 I was put on an antipsychotic called seraquel. It really had no affect on me and I felt it made me tired and more psychotic and heavier. I weighed in at 188 when I got there. Today I’m give or take 245 pounds. Not only did the medication blow me up but I started not caring about what I ate because I was dealing with many after effects of my break. Sometimes I would eat so much in a day I wish it would have killed me. I couldn’t take the craziness inside my head. I would eat to self medicate and admittedly been doing so since.

When I started dbt I thought I should change my eating habits. Did a little bit here and there. Excercised three times a month. But no real effort obviously.

This incident at coney changed me as I have made a vow of no chocolate or bread and fried crap. Now I have to figure out a fitness plan. Which I will do. I lost weight before. I can do it again. And this time without the help of meds because I truly believe that is why I weighed as little as I did.

I really have been binge eating over the last year becAuse I have been unhappy with many situations in my life. It’s time to use the DBT to accept my role in said situations and turn the corner.

I had a breakdown in 16. I overcame and I am here today.

I created a plethora of money problems due to illness and I have rebounded from most of those in 17.

In 18 it will be my weight that I conquer.

Trust the process

M


via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2J8qw4U Change neededHave you ever had that moment in your life where something really embarrassing your bad...

Saturday, July 7, 2018

Let’s get back to this song of the week thing. This is the lead...



Let’s get back to this song of the week thing. This is the lead off track for polarlines radio which I will be bringing episode 3 sometime next week



via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2m1nAOt Let’s get back to this song of the week thing. This is the lead...

Realization


When I went to NYC a decade or so ago I didn’t like it. I thought it smelled the people were nasty and people drove like shit.
When I went to NYC a week ago with an open mind I realized my hatred for it was irrational. I also have no come to the realization that one of my biggest issues is I have anger in my core almost 24/7. Perhaps this comes with BPD perhaps not. Not sure but what I do know is it was my perception and willingness that opened my eyes up to how truly cool New York City is.
Although I have many reasons to be angry I really wonder why so angry. Why do I have these feelings? What is the benefit? Who wins? The truth is no one. I have been doing it wrong.
My wife said one of the things that attracted me to her was my positive energy. I have lost that over the years. Reality has been too tough for me I guess. And when I was given the bipolar diagnosis I felt like I sunk. However when I was given bipolar meds and they weren’t working and I harmed people physically and mentally myself included I felt so shameful and lost.
When I got my BPD diagnosis and read up on it it made so much sense. And yes all these icky feelings I have are biproducts of my illness. However I don’t have to be negative about life. So I have decided from here on in I need to find ways to be positive. No matter how hard it is. I need to find my smile and tatoo it on my face. It will be worlds towards feeling better.
I want things in my life that will make me laugh and smile. I want people in my life who truly make me feel good about myself. I am ready to start eliminating shitty people. Let’s do it together.
M


via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2zjB5Cz RealizationWhen I went to NYC a decade or so ago I didn’t like it. I thought it smelled the people...

Monday, June 4, 2018

This could be an anthem for us borderlines



This could be an anthem for us borderlines



via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2xBGsMq This could be an anthem for us borderlines

Monday, May 21, 2018

Song of the week. This one is for me!



Song of the week. This one is for me!



via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2x0TIKp Song of the week. This one is for me!

Sunday, May 13, 2018

NEW EPISODE OF POLARLINES RADIO IS UP

Just posted a new episode of polar lines radio and I talk about what I go through on a daily basis as well as 1thinking about twitter as of late

I published my new episode POLARLINES RADIO, please check it out. http://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-zchmw-907566


Saturday, May 12, 2018

SONG OF THE DAY. BEAR GRYLLZ BACK ON TOP So I have a had really...



SONG OF THE DAY. BEAR GRYLLZ BACK ON TOP

So I have a had really shitty week. Well now it’s time to have a great week. Your weekly polarlines fun will be back on Monday. Have a great weekend. And to all you beautiful mothers stay strong you rule and happy mama day!!!



via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2KUKMct SONG OF THE DAY. BEAR GRYLLZ BACK ON TOP So I have a had really...

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

BREAKING NEWS: POLARLINES RADIO IS HERE!!!!!

Yes this was supposed to happen back last week, but life happens but now POLARLINES RADIO is here.  You can access the show here https://polarlines.podbean.com/ and check out episode 1.  Episodes for now will come out randomly but we want you to participate.  If you want to call the show, we will have a voicemail for you soon.  However, we will take you audio clips, stories, whatever and put them on the show.  Big things to come with this project.  Enjoy!!!!

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Song of the week. Let’s all give love and not hate



Song of the week. Let’s all give love and not hate



via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2JBABI4 Song of the week. Let’s all give love and not hate

Saturday, April 21, 2018

We usually do song of the week but today we’re doing something...



We usually do song of the week but today we’re doing something differently. One of the greatest EDM producers who actually is responsible for one of the most prolific tracks at festivals levels died yesterday at the age of 28. To honor his memory I am sharing with you an amazing set he performed at ultra back in 2015. I loved his music so much and he has a very original sound. He retired but came back with an awesome EP in 17 and said more was on the way. I am saddened at his passing and wanted to share with with you one of the very best in dance music. (If you have ever heard the song wake me up yeah that’s him)



via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2HlWudT We usually do song of the week but today we’re doing something...

Saturday, April 14, 2018

Song of the week. We are always trying to create something new...



Song of the week. We are always trying to create something new when we don’t like where we’re at. Alt



via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2v9A1yW Song of the week. We are always trying to create something new...

Friday, April 6, 2018

Song of the week: when you are mentally ill you don’t always see...



Song of the week: when you are mentally ill you don’t always see things the way they truly are. Having started DBT I have learned so much about myself and so much about my better half who has really put up with so much from me. This song really gets to me because I feel like I have been looking for peace and support for so long and I am starting to find it but I hope one day things can be forgiven.



via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2uPIx5Y Song of the week: when you are mentally ill you don’t always see...

Thursday, April 5, 2018

BIG NEWS COMING SOON

once the project is complete we will let you know. But something really cool is in the world right now. Don’t miss out. Follow us on social media. Links on the right.

Friday, March 30, 2018

Song of the day. For world bipolar day a role model for all of...



Song of the day. For world bipolar day a role model for all of you who suffer from bipolar. She wakes up everyday and kicks ass and this is a beautiful song by her



via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2Gkf8Gw Song of the day. For world bipolar day a role model for all of...

A poem: The Battle

polarlines:

You try to break me

You try to suffocate me

You try to scare me

You try to confiscate me

You try to eviscerate me

I feel the nerves tingling, thoughts racing, mind melting, emotions elevating, the darkness. Oooo the darkness has returned.  You mother fucker you.  I can let you take me, I can let you break me.  But I promise you, my toolbox is ready, my weapons are armed.  12 rounds, 60 minutes, 9 innings, 3 periods.  Game on you son of a bitch.

Feel myself ground, feel my fists pounding, feel the screams coming, feel my skills drumming.  You are no match for me you wretched being.  You are not me.  You are my sickness.  This means I own you.  And I am not playing today no sir.

I will break free

I will breathe

I will not fear

I will take my self back

I will not disappear.

I am the survivor, I am victorious.  

I will go to bed and we’ll do this tomorrow, and I will win.

#trusttheprocess

I wanted to repost this for world bipolar day.



via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2uAuCAE A poem: The Battle

Saturday, March 24, 2018

Song of the week. Not only is this an uplifting song but this...



Song of the week. Not only is this an uplifting song but this awesome group may be reuniting this week



via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2I3F9Gx Song of the week. Not only is this an uplifting song but this...

Sunday, March 18, 2018

ART THERAPY WEEK

So this week I found lots of art I did during art therapy when I was gone. I will share a picture a week for you. Let’s make this #ArtTherapy week on #polarlines


HELLO THERE

Have you been keeping up with us on social media?

We’re on

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
Tmblr

Find us under polarlinesUSA. Many great articles inspiring art and memes and much much more. 

Saturday, March 17, 2018

A little Murphy for your holiday. Happy st paddy’s everyone



A little Murphy for your holiday. Happy st paddy’s everyone



via Tumblr http://ift.tt/2G68PWl A little Murphy for your holiday. Happy st paddy’s everyone

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

THANKS!

I wanted to take a moment to thank you for coming here.  It means the world to me.  As I continue my journey to find exactly who I am, and to fight off the nastiness of my mental illness, know there is a piece of my heart that wants to let you know YOU ARE NOT ALONE

#weareneveralone


Friday, March 9, 2018

Song of the week-Joey Bada$$-Devastated



This is a very inspirational song. I like it a lot.


via Tumblr http://ift.tt/2FvBtfQ This is a very inspirational song. I like it a lot.

Monday, March 5, 2018

FIRST POLARLINES MEETING PLANS UNDERWAY

We are getting ready to launch the first Polarlines meeting in April in huntley lake in the hills algonquin or elgin. Stay tuned for details. If you live near any of the areas and want to attend please let us know.

Looking at mid to late April if all goes well.   

Sunday, March 4, 2018

A poem: The Battle

You try to break me

You try to suffocate me

You try to scare me

You try to confiscate me

You try to eviscerate me

I feel the nerves tingling, thoughts racing, mind melting, emotions elevating, the darkness. Oooo the darkness has returned.  You mother fucker you.  I can let you take me, I can let you break me.  But I promise you, my toolbox is ready, my weapons are armed.  12 rounds, 60 minutes, 9 innings, 3 periods.  Game on you son of a bitch.

Feel myself ground, feel my fists pounding, feel the screams coming, feel my skills drumming.  You are no match for me you wretched being.  You are not me.  You are my sickness.  This means I own you.  And I am not playing today no sir.

I will break free

I will breathe

I will not fear

I will take my self back

I will not disappear.

I am the survivor, I am victorious.  

I will go to bed and we’ll do this tomorrow, and I will win.

#trusttheprocess



via Tumblr http://ift.tt/2CZE8w0 A poem: The Battle

Today I can



I look to the future a lot. At least I used to and still do lots of planning and crap like that. However I would worry so much about the future it would make me sicker. I can’t control the future. I can’t change the past. The only thing I have is today. I can only control what I do how I react to triggers and keep myself consistent and treat others kindly. I have caused pain upon a great deal of people in my past and I have to own it forgive myself for it and worry about today.

Fortune telling doesn’t do me any favors. It brings stress and lots of other garbage thoughts that bring me to Disneyland. And I don’t mean Mickey and Minnie’s land. I mean that place where shit don’t make sense. I knew a therapist in my php that said that all the time. It always stuck with me.

So I decided to write something we can all use each day to make things easier.

Today I will get out of bed and then will straighten it out.

Today I will eat breakfast

Today I will treat all those i come in contact with kindness and respect.

Today I will live in the moment. Not in the past or the future.

Today I will not sabotage myself.

Today I will learn to love myself and be kind to myself.

Today I will not hold onto bad thoughts.

Today I can.

Sounds really mushy and gooey but we can try right?

#trusttheprocess


via Tumblr http://ift.tt/2FfoMWe Today I can I look to the future a lot. At least I used to and still do lots of planning and crap...

Saturday, March 3, 2018

Song of the week-Enigma Goodbye Milky Way



Song of the week-a very touching song about letting go.


via Tumblr http://ift.tt/2thZ4iw Song of the week-a very touching song about letting go.

Friday, March 2, 2018

Storms


Whenever we go through an episode it feels crazy. We feel like we have lost ourselves possibly possessed by a demon maybe overtaken by a force greater then ourselves. We tend to lash out act angry cry a lot hurt ourselves etc etc.

This is our storm.

The worst part is those we love end up becoming victims of our behavior and the end result is guilt and shame. We love these people and put them through a horrible situation. Chances are we end up desperate to make it right because we love those so much and will do anything to keep them in our lives.

But the aftermath is pure pain. We must be patient to allow them time to recover from the damage we may have caused. We must understand that even though we did not mean to do what we did even in a time where we can lose all rational thought possibly even dissociate it was still us that hurt them. And after our behavior then we have to deal with this huge piece of sadness.

And then of course more guilt and shame.

I am someone who has no patience. I want to fix things. Never want to have a conflict go on. Want it resolved right away. This is an unreasonable expectation because I am trying to control something I have no control over. My loved ones feelings. I can’t erase it and make it better right away. I have to let time work. And always remember if I break something it may never go back to the way it was. However with glue it can become whole. The issue is I am not glue.

The only glue is time. And when storms hit we can only fix what we can. We cannot do it all overnight.

In the meantime I keep learning these awesome skills and they are helping me to gain wisdom confidence and knowledge about the one person I have been out of touch about for decades me.

We can survive the storms. We can do our best to prevent them but we may not always.

Were human not perfect.

#trusttheprocess


via Tumblr http://ift.tt/2HWgaWs StormsWhenever we go through an episode it feels crazy. We feel like we have lost ourselves possibly...

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Song of the week @djsnake-Middle

Song of the week @djsnake-Middle:

Always try to stay in the middle.



via Tumblr http://ift.tt/2CGH8NT Song of the week @djsnake-Middle

Friday, February 23, 2018

Bullied NFL lineman posts shotgun photo, forces high school to close | New York Post

Bullied NFL lineman posts shotgun photo, forces high school to close | New York Post:

I am a huge dolphins fan and remember this incident with Martin. Bullying can cause so much damage and I am living proof of that. This is really a shame and a very sad story.



via Tumblr http://ift.tt/2FqPJqY Bullied NFL lineman posts shotgun photo, forces high school to close | New York Post

Here


There’s a show on HBO that I just completely fell in love with. It’s called Westworld. The premise of the show is very rich people can go to an amusement park called Westworld where they can dress up like cowboys ad they can do whatever they want. Inhabiting the park are hosts. They are Androids that run on what is called a loop. It’s kind of like a routine.

The hosts Eventually start to develop emotions and recall lot of their pain and trauma because as I said earlier the guests can do whatever they want in the park. And I mean anything. This automatically made me think about mental health and questioning my reality.

You see many of us are just trying to live our life. We are running through our loop. And unfortunately trauma that we endured has caused us to inflict pain on people because we felt unapreciated sensitive and unloved. We grew up feeling worthless because of whether we were psychologically abuse physically assaulted or many other horrible things.

Learning DBT the thing that is been the most important to me is learning how to live in the now. Not right now in the present day but actually living right now. Trying to stay with grounding techniques positive self talk and really empathizing with others feelings. Being in a routine is the best but it’s not always practical. Understanding how to navigate when knocked off our loop is key to survival.

Funny how tv makes you think critically sometimes.

#trusttheprocess


via Tumblr http://ift.tt/2GE5rye HereThere’s a show on HBO that I just completely fell in love with. It’s called Westworld. The...

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Finding the reset button


Well other than setting a toaster on fire this weekend was a very good one. My wife and I took our kids to the field museum and swimming. We also saw peter rabbit. It was very funny and the move theatre basically ran out of everything. It was nuts.

This pales in comparison of the horrible week I had before. The worst part was nothing really happened to qualify it. It was mainly in my head and my dark side came out. It rips open old wounds for everybody and then trying to reset is so hard.

Pushing the reset button can be one of the most difficult things for us. We all make progress but fall down. And getting back up after trying to get past the shame and embarrassment of having an episode can be very debilitating. Nevertheless we owe it to our family friends and loved ones but most of all ourselves to make that jump. To stand up one more time and try again.

Everyday I do my best I can. That’s all I can do.

That’s all you can do too. But I’m sure your best is fricking awesome.

#trusttheprocess


via Tumblr http://ift.tt/2Ff3qsQ Finding the reset button Well other than setting a toaster on fire this weekend was a very good one....

Sunday, February 18, 2018

A New Week


Last week may have sucked but now we have a new week. A time for change.

Let’s all work together to make this week better than last.

#trusttheprocess


via Tumblr http://ift.tt/2Fc7CtB A new week Last week may have sucked but now we have a new week. A time for change. Let’s all work...

Friday, February 16, 2018

SONG OF THE WEEK Fear Factory - replica



It’s an anthem of us who have been picked on inflicted with BPD but don’t want to take it anymore.


via Tumblr http://ift.tt/2EJGKU2 It’s an anthem of us who have been picked on inflicted with BPD...

The race and the marathon

The race and the marathon

I didn’t write anything at all today because yesterday I had a setback. And although minimal damage was done when bad habits come out doesn’t matter how minimal damage it triggers are it affected memories are brought up wombs are open and sometimes salt is thrown in them.

The one thing I have learned about dialectical behavior therapy it is not easy. In fact it is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done in my life. Not only have I ripped it open layers of things that have happened to me throughout my life I am also working to change patterns of behavior that i Have exhibited since I was a kid.

My good friend used to always tell me there’s a sprinter and a marathon runner. The sprinter goes for the quick victory because that’s what you doing for a sprint. But life is not a 40 yard dash. Instead it’s a 70 to 80 year marathon. Results don’t come quickly goals do not get accomplished easily and hard work is required to make it all work out. In other words you have to keep the pace in order to achieve victory.

I have made some progress with my mental health over the last year I still have a lot of work to do and I need to remind myself that all those victories have been achieve the ultimate goal which is peace and wellness still is far away. I must keep working at it matter how painful it is but I will get there.
So who’s ready to run the marathon with me.
#TrustTheProcess


via Tumblr http://ift.tt/2F87ew3 The race and the marathon I didn’t write anything at all today because yesterday I had a setback....

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Valentine’s Day massacre


Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a happy holiday. Full of love and happiness and shit like that. Well unfortunately I am not happy. I am sure many of us are not happy.

I think about the path of destruction I have left in the many years of my life and Valentine’s Day to me was always a dreaded holiday. No one wanted me to be their valentine. I remember in junior high we always wrote names on a piece of paper to send a rose to their class or put an ad in the student paper expressing love to someone. I never got one except this

Mike I love you from the wabbit.

The wabbit was the students way of bullying me and making fun of me because of a huge speech impediment I had. That was it. So I always hated Valentine’s Day. So when I finally found a girl who loved me enough to bake me a cake for this shitty day I appreciated it so much but it didn’t come out like most times. Because I didn’t worthy of anyone’s love. I felt like a loser. I was told I was one all the time my life people did their best to make me feel like crap so I owned it and became the angriest person on the planet and snapped on anyone including the love of my life.

Since I have been trying to deal with my mental health issues I have lost a lot of people. My medication cocktails the psychiatrists prescribed didn’t work out so I became a different person. I actually reverted to the person I became when I was younger.

I was so depressed then and today is a dark day because I feel like I killed everyone who ever cared for me. Not literally of course. But my actions and decisions to not stabilize my behavior cost me so much. And I sit here reflecting on it.

How do you find your way back? How do you show those you love that you do in fact love them so much?

I know patience and hope are two ways and wait for those to come around. However I feel damage is too severe and it’s all over. Then again the voice in my head is the one telling me that.

I hope you have a wonderful Valentine’s Day. Hold on to those who you love. They love you for a reason and it’s not because you’re worthless or they have pity on you. It’s for real.

#trusttheprocess


via Tumblr http://ift.tt/2Eq5mhb Valentine’s Day massacre Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a happy holiday. Full of love and...

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

DAY ONE

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You got Jokes huh?

Dude why are you acting so bipolar?
I feel like I’m acting borderline
This weather is bipolar.

I love that people that say these things don’t even understand what they mean. I remember when I worked someone where one the Transportation providers I used for Transportation started making comments about me being bipolar and thought I was difficult to work with. Little did they know I was battling mental health issues. Same with me. I was just very unhappy and angry most of the time.

I cant help I’m this way. I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2015 and borderline personality disorder in 2016. My symptoms fall more in line with the latter. I remember reading my psychiatric reports about the borderline and how I felt my life was over. I felt like it was the end for me. That I had to go on medication for the rest of my life and it will suck my will to live. To be creative.

It turned me into a monster. The amount of meds I took was off the chart and I didn’t know who I was half the time. When I got of meds my stability returned but many pieces of my life have needed to be put back together and slowly day by day I am a going through that process.

I don’t think both these mental illnesses are something to joke about. They are serious mental conditions that lead to self harm and suicide. Does that sound funny? I just posted a stats article about bipolar. Here’s something chilling:

“30% of individuals with bipolar disorder will attempt suicide during their lives, and 20% will succeed … . Suicide is more common in bipolar depression than in unipolar major depression, panic disorder, or even schizophrenia.

So next time you make a joke about being bipolar think about the serious battle just to wake up in the morning someone inflicted goes through. Just to go to work to drive a car to eat a meal. These things can ordinary to some but many of us with MI struggle.
Thanks for reading. Stick with the process
M


via Tumblr http://ift.tt/2BrSFU9 polarlines: You got jokes huh? Dude why are you acting so bipolar? I feel like I’m acting borderline...

The Weather Sucks


Do I have seasonal affective disorder? I think so. I hate winter. I can’t stand it. I live in Chicago so I should just be able to deal with that right?

I mean after all when I feel depressed people say I should just snap out of it right?

I would love to move to Florida but no one in my family wants to go so obviously that’s not happening. When things are going kind of bad the winter is just that little kick that makes things feel a little bit worse

But as Harvey Dent one sad that the night is darkest before the dawn and I believe it’s true because whenever I feel like I’ve taken my last breath whenever I feel like I’ve done all I can do and it’s time to give up I don’t. I wait for winter to pass and welcome spring into my life. The other issue is the fact I am so impatient and waiting for spring feels like waiting through five winters. Just as everything in my life I want to happen right away I’ve learned through DBT that nothing will happen right away. I need to stay in the moment stay with what is happening right now and not worry about what is going to happen in the future.

Yes Winter sucks especially in the Windy City. But as seasons move forward life moves forward. Am I ready to move forward with it when I stay in this dirty rotten hole?

I think I will chose the former and learn patience.

Do you feel this way about the weather? Would love to hear your thoughts.

#trusttheprocess

M


via Tumblr http://ift.tt/2EByFR8 polarlines: The weather sucks Do I have seasonal affective disorder? I think so. I hate winter. I...

The Aftermath

So what do you when your feelings go out of control you’re not taking the right care of yourself and things go wrong because of the trigger?
Usually you use your skills and try to avoid the inevitable an episode.
To me the worst about of an episode isn’t what goes on during its what happens after.
The guilt the shame and the reaction of people who got caught in the crossfire is too much to bare. At least it is for me. I am afraid that everyone is scared of me or just annoyed with me thinking I’m being a narcissistic thug and not giving a shit about anyone’s else feelings but my own.

As a person with mental illness I crave one thing peace. It would be the thing that balances everything out. Stability would be the best friend I have been searching for for years. I keep trying to crack the code of a psychotic episode by going back to the before because the during and after I can’t change it. When you see red and start discosiating it becomes terrifying because you don’t know what you can or will do.
Last night I grounded and grounded and grounded again until I felt ok. https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/dissociativeliving/2017/04/did-and-dbt-use-distress-tolerance-skills-for-dissociation is a site that was very helpful</a>. I guess it may be the best way to battle an episode. Sometimes I play a game on my phone to help bring me back to the here and now.

Nevertheless the after is the hardest thing. The depression I feel after is insurmountable. Good thing I working on DBT skills. Because this will be the topic tomorrow.
Don’t lose your way #trusttheprocess


via Tumblr http://ift.tt/2srZUsv polarlines: The aftermath So what do you when your feelings go out of control you’re not taking the...