Saturday, January 21, 2023


 Hi everyone.  Hope you are doing good.

Yes we are at a bit of a stalemate with episode 4.  I have not published it yet.  There are things I am waiting for and there are things I am contemplating.  So I wanted to tell you what's on my mind and wanted some feedback.  Once I write this I will make a final decision in the next 24 hours on what I am going to do with this.

The first is I am waiting for someone to give me authorization to use 11 minutes of audio from them because I believe it is very beneficial to those with BPD as this episode deals with favorite person.  So that is my professional reason I guess.

The second is I am very nervous to let this part of me out.  I had to dig in deep to my soul and find the worst parts to find the obsession, the controlling nature, the beast if you will.  I have had so much trouble with my favorite person and it has cost us both dearly.  It is very triggering and it was a very difficult episode to do.  I created some audio theatre that was deeply triggering probably not just for me, but many people who have experience with this from both sides.

I believe the episode will serve the purpose of teaching what a borderline episode and/or what a troubled abusive relationship can look like.  This is beneficial but I also feel like this will trigger victims of DV and if that happens, my mission may be lost.  I am not here to trigger people into their trauma or things like that.  However I want people to really understand what goes on in the mind of someone with BPD.  I am relating my experience as that person and I am not speaking for anyone else.  I do feel someone will hear it and think yeah I do that.  They can use it as a road map to recovery. As GI Joe said knowing is half the battle.

It is a very dark episode and I am thinking about how can I turn it into a positive.  If I cannot do that, episode 4 will be available only upon request.  I cannot publish something that I feel might do harm.  It has to have a happy ending.  Happy endings give hope and provide inspiration to those fighting.  I am 110 percent about that.

So that's where I am, I will make a statement tomorrow about this.  I am sleeping on it tonight.  The episode will post on Monday if I decide to.  If not, I will start working on episode 5 and make this an episode upon request.

Thanks for your understanding and if you have any questions please let me know.




This is such a beautiful song.  Listen to this when you are feeling like nothing is going to get better and let the beautiful music and wonderful lyrics lift you up.

Thursday, January 19, 2023


 First super song of the year.  My apologies I will try to do a better job of updating.

I heard this song again in the shower today and the lyrics really hit home today,

Saturday, January 14, 2023



So I am finally through fighting with the kidney stones as my second surgery has come and gone and this time they were finally able to get rid of the stones so I am doing 100 percent better.  There was no episode this past week as I will open up to tell you my feelings as of late.

The kidney stones had a real negative effect on my mental health.  I was working out, getting my weight down from 240 to 210 in one year and now I have put about 5 pounds back as well as 3 percent body fat.  My relationships in life from family to employees have been shit.  I have been facing many challenges since November and I started this podcast in the middle of it.  I would push the limits on my health on a daily basis and there would be days I would have to rest because if I didn't, I could have seriously fucked myself up badly.  

The history of my health situation was mid October I had huge abdominal and back pains.  I went to the ER and discovered I had two kidney stones. One 7mm and one 8mm which are pretty big.  I was set up for surgery in December to have the stones removed, but my pain went away, so I thought maybe I passed them.  I would continue working out, doing yoga, and normall activities until I got a CT scan that confirmed the stones were still there.  Fuck!

So surgery took place 12/3, and the doctor couldn't remove them because my ureter tube was too thin for his instruments.  This meant he would put a stent into the ureter line and it would stretch it out.  I had this for a month and it was one of the worst months of my life.  I would urinate blood and blood clots.  Sometimes it would be very painful.  The discomfort I felt was unreal,  This also took me away from the gym for a while, which is a huge part of my mental health.  On 1/3, the doctor removed the stones and he placed a new stent in, which is needed after this kind of surgery to the ureter doesn't close up.  I pulled it out myself this past Monday.

This gave me a huge appreciation for health and I was overjoyed as I have been feeling awesome.  However mentally things still haven't completely picked up.  I wasn't showering, cleaning the apartment, taking care of myself.  I would watch shows on Hulu and Netflix and stay up all night doing so robbing myself of precious sleep.  I would then be a dick to everyone as well  It took an episode yesterday to snap myself out of this bullshit.  I cleaned my apartment, went to the gym (even though I didn't feel like it) and produced half of episode 4 and wrote this post.

I only did half for two reasons.  One I need someone to give me an OK to continue and also it is a very very heavy episode.  I will hopefully have it ready to go in a few days.

Keep your heads up and know you can do anything.  Stay tough, stay fiercel put your danicng shoes on when the storm comes and dance through it. Or maybe just sit.  The storm disappears eventually.

Trust the process and lots of love to you all