Sunday, July 22, 2018

12 Linkin Park Songs That Have Helped People Through Dark Times

12 Linkin Park Songs That Have Helped People Through Dark Times:

Some of these I never heard before, but ones not on the list that hits me every time I hear it

Yo, yo
Forfeit the game, before somebody takes you out of the frame
Put your name to shame, cover up your face
You can’t run the race, the pace is too fast, you just won’t last
Won’t last, won’t last, won’t last, won’t last,
Won’t last, won’t last, won’t last, won’t last, won’t last, won’t last, won’t last,
Won’t last, won’t lastYou love the way, I look at you
While taking pleasure in the awful things you put me through
You take away if I give in
My life, my pride, is brokenYou like to think you’re never wrong
(You like to think you’re never wrong)
You have to act like you’re someone
(You have to act like you’re someone)
You want someone to hurt like you
(You want someone to hurt like you)
You want to share what you’ve been through
(You live what you’ve learned)
Learned, learned, learned, learned, learnedYou love the things, I say I’ll do
The way I hurt myself again, just to get back at you
You take away, when I give in
My life, my pride, is broken



via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2zY1xSp 12 Linkin Park Songs That Have Helped People Through Dark Times

At peaceOne of the toughest things to accomplish while learning DBT is the art of radical...

At peace

One of the toughest things to accomplish while learning DBT is the art of radical acceptance. When something I want doesn’t work out I have to be at peace with it. I must accept it. It is what it is.

Throughout my life I have hit highs and lows. The way I treat people hasn’t always been kind. In fact when I had my psychotic break in 2016 many people turned their back on me. Even before then it was tough to be accepted into many social circles and build friendships. I always had the inkling people were going to walk away.

I was telling my wife yesterday that I have finally come to terms with many of the disappearing acts out of my life. Starting with my immediate family. My father has never been a father. He has always been psychologically abusive. I could really get into the dark dirty details of my upbringing and I will say that I was not a perfect kid. I was trying to find my way between being bullied and trying to gain approval acceptance from both friends and family. The way he treated me and my lack of having real true blood friends spilled out to my brother who has been so cold to me over the years despite numerous attempts of trying to reach out to him and try to patch things up. My family doesn’t seem to care what is happening with me my immediate family or anything resembling my life. So I have been angry. Angry for oh so long and recently I have accepted it.

My brother called me one day to ask if I wanted to work for him. Myself being a business owner and contractor to a company am always looking for opportunities. However due to things that happened the last time we worked together I thought it would be in our best interests not to work together again because once again I believed in a fairy tale that we would rebuild our relationship and I could see my nephews and niece who I love dearly more often. He got mad obviously but couldn’t share that with me. I found him others to work since he was short on drivers and didn’t even get a thank you. I also didn’t get a call on my birthday. So I realize now he isn’t interested in a relationship with me. The only way I got him to call me was telling him I was going to kill myself which I had serious thoughts of doing and I contacted five people to talk me out of it because that is what I needed.

As far as my dear old dad when I did work for my brother we had the falling out and my dad just stopped talking to me. He didn’t care that he had two grand daughters. When I decided to get married I invited him and he turned down the invite at first. But then he wanted to come and we talked on the phone a little. Later on we had a party at my house and both my brother and father thought it would be a good idea to get into an argument in my basement too. Shortly after that my dad once again out of nowhere stopped talking to me once again cutting my kids out of his life as well. On Christmas he sent an anonymous text wishing me a merry Christmas. I was angry. Who the fuck does he think he is to just bounce in and out of my life whenever he feels like it? And I blame many of my behavioral tendencies on him. The way he treated me growing up to now is not ok.

These two people have become toxic parts of my life because of the hurt I feel when I think of them. So I as in the dbt playbook says let it go. I have become peaceful with my decision. It’s not what I ultimately want. I want to have a loving family support me. I wanted a relationship with my brother so bad. But I now see in the end the see saw games do not work with me. I need real not conveinient. Not a relationship when you feel its your obligation. It’s a real heartbreak that when I lost my mom in 99 the dominoes fell.

There are other instances. For instance pretty much my whole wedding party is out of my life. A guy who I called my best friend never wants to talk to me. It’s the biggest one sided relationship ever. A woman who I thought was one of my best friends shut me out of her life during my psychotic break. She was also friends with my wife who was dealing with my issues and she just withdrew all support from her as well and went from I can only talk tv shows with you to blocking us on Facebook and cutting us out forever. My other friend comes and goes but everytime he invites me to a family party I get a call a few days making sure I won’t be mad at his stepdad who almost ruined my entire life. He hired me for a job and was so verbally abusive and manipulative to me it wasn’t funny. He played me like a fiddle and then sold me out to the company he was ripping off and cost me my job. A man who thought to be a mentor pretty much got rid of me because he obviously doesn’t understand mental health issues. However all these situations are not things I can change. I can only tell people I’m stable now. They have to make the choice whether or I I’m worth having in their life.

The way I see it I am important. I am worth something and my whole life I have glommed on to whatever clique I could. Trying to befriend people who made fun of me did their best to make me mad and hurt me for their amusement and at the end of the day devalued myself because I wasn’t comfortable being alone. However things have changed. I know I have BPD now and it has played a huge part in my life and many things that happened. I didn’t know who I was for decades but now I’m taking the time to learn. I will succeed. I will win the love and trust of the people who matter most. That is my two kids who are the most wonderful people in the world and my embattled wife my best friend who has been the victim of the majority of my behaviors.

The more I get to know who I am the better I feel. The more comfortable I get. And although everything may not go my way. Everything won’t happen as fast as I want. And perhaps I may be in the end alone. I need to be at peace with it. Because from peace comes love growth understanding and so much more.

Trust the process

M



via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2JKlNGM At peaceOne of the toughest things to accomplish while learning DBT is the art of radical...

Saturday, July 21, 2018

A song you can listen to every time you fall down.



A song you can listen to every time you fall down.



via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2O7OQrp A song you can listen to every time you fall down.

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Song of the day. One day it will all come true



Song of the day. One day it will all come true



via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2uB4kuK Song of the day. One day it will all come true

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

polarlines: The corner I am sitting here in a Starbucks in the back corner all by myself. I am...

Down 7 up 8 We all fall down in life. Especially when it comes to mental health. Yesterday I had an...

Down 7 up 8

We all fall down in life. Especially when it comes to mental health. Yesterday I had an incident. Really don’t know how my feelings became so intense. I felt like I heard a voice in my head telling me I was hated. I talk to my illness sometimes because I feel like it’s the only way I can stop the damage before the rage sets in and I do really stupid things. However my biggest trick is catching it happening before it starts. I don’t like my family to see that side of me. And although it didn’t go as bad as it should I failed yesterday. I actually punched myself in the face to try to stop. I also hit myself in the head with a door. I had ran into the other room and try to ground myself and it honestly wasn’t enough. I couldn’t bring myself back. I was beginning to dissociate and everything was going blurry and I felt drunk. But I was aware of what was happening and that’s he positive.

The amount of shame I feel today is insurmountable. I feel like any time this happens it erases all the hard work I have put in. That may not be true. However that’s how it feels. I end up falling to pieces.

The only thing I can say is get knocked down 7 times have to find a way to get up 8. Does anyone have anything to add to this? How do you rebound after a fall?

M



via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2L7eZYq Down 7 up 8 We all fall down in life. Especially when it comes to mental health. Yesterday I had an...

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Change needed

Change needed

Have you ever had that moment in your life where something really embarrassing your bad happen to you and you need to use that as a catalyst for change?

Well it happened to me in New York I am a huge roller coaster fan as many people may or may not know however the legendary cyclone at Coney Island was a coaster I knew I had to challenge. After all it was featured in many movies. It has been around for decades. And coney is a famous landmark not just in NYC but in our country.

My daughter and I jumped on the red coaster and when they tried to bolt me in they couldn’t close the safety latch because my belly was too big. One time they did but I couldn’t move comfortably and breathe. They had to let me out and ask me to leave he ride. This not only humiliated me but devastated my daughter. She cried over the experience and I was heart broken. I mean it sucked not to be able to ride the cyclone but seeing my daughters reaction to what happened crushed me.

When I left the hospital in 2016 I was put on an antipsychotic called seraquel. It really had no affect on me and I felt it made me tired and more psychotic and heavier. I weighed in at 188 when I got there. Today I’m give or take 245 pounds. Not only did the medication blow me up but I started not caring about what I ate because I was dealing with many after effects of my break. Sometimes I would eat so much in a day I wish it would have killed me. I couldn’t take the craziness inside my head. I would eat to self medicate and admittedly been doing so since.

When I started dbt I thought I should change my eating habits. Did a little bit here and there. Excercised three times a month. But no real effort obviously.

This incident at coney changed me as I have made a vow of no chocolate or bread and fried crap. Now I have to figure out a fitness plan. Which I will do. I lost weight before. I can do it again. And this time without the help of meds because I truly believe that is why I weighed as little as I did.

I really have been binge eating over the last year becAuse I have been unhappy with many situations in my life. It’s time to use the DBT to accept my role in said situations and turn the corner.

I had a breakdown in 16. I overcame and I am here today.

I created a plethora of money problems due to illness and I have rebounded from most of those in 17.

In 18 it will be my weight that I conquer.

Trust the process

M


via Tumblr https://ift.tt/2J8qw4U Change neededHave you ever had that moment in your life where something really embarrassing your bad...