Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Valentine’s Day massacre

Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a happy holiday. Full of love and happiness and shit like that. Well unfortunately I am not happy. I am sure many of us are not happy.

I think about the path of destruction I have left in the many years of my life and Valentine’s Day to me was always a dreaded holiday. No one wanted me to be their valentine. I remember in junior high we always wrote names on a piece of paper to send a rose to their class or put an ad in the student paper expressing love to someone. I never got one except this

Mike I love you from the wabbit.

The wabbit was the students way of bullying me and making fun of me because of a huge speech impediment I had. That was it. So I always hated Valentine’s Day. So when I finally found a girl who loved me enough to bake me a cake for this shitty day I appreciated it so much but it didn’t come out like most times. Because I didn’t worthy of anyone’s love. I felt like a loser. I was told I was one all the time my life people did their best to make me feel like crap so I owned it and became the angriest person on the planet and snapped on anyone including the love of my life.

Since I have been trying to deal with my mental health issues I have lost a lot of people. My medication cocktails the psychiatrists prescribed didn’t work out so I became a different person. I actually reverted to the person I became when I was younger.

I was so depressed then and today is a dark day because I feel like I killed everyone who ever cared for me. Not literally of course. But my actions and decisions to not stabilize my behavior cost me so much. And I sit here reflecting on it.

How do you find your way back? How do you show those you love that you do in fact love them so much?

I know patience and hope are two ways and wait for those to come around. However I feel damage is too severe and it’s all over. Then again the voice in my head is the one telling me that.

I hope you have a wonderful Valentine’s Day. Hold on to those who you love. They love you for a reason and it’s not because you’re worthless or they have pity on you. It’s for real.


via Tumblr Valentine’s Day massacre Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a happy holiday. Full of love and...

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