Saturday, July 7, 2018


When I went to NYC a decade or so ago I didn’t like it. I thought it smelled the people were nasty and people drove like shit.
When I went to NYC a week ago with an open mind I realized my hatred for it was irrational. I also have no come to the realization that one of my biggest issues is I have anger in my core almost 24/7. Perhaps this comes with BPD perhaps not. Not sure but what I do know is it was my perception and willingness that opened my eyes up to how truly cool New York City is.
Although I have many reasons to be angry I really wonder why so angry. Why do I have these feelings? What is the benefit? Who wins? The truth is no one. I have been doing it wrong.
My wife said one of the things that attracted me to her was my positive energy. I have lost that over the years. Reality has been too tough for me I guess. And when I was given the bipolar diagnosis I felt like I sunk. However when I was given bipolar meds and they weren’t working and I harmed people physically and mentally myself included I felt so shameful and lost.
When I got my BPD diagnosis and read up on it it made so much sense. And yes all these icky feelings I have are biproducts of my illness. However I don’t have to be negative about life. So I have decided from here on in I need to find ways to be positive. No matter how hard it is. I need to find my smile and tatoo it on my face. It will be worlds towards feeling better.
I want things in my life that will make me laugh and smile. I want people in my life who truly make me feel good about myself. I am ready to start eliminating shitty people. Let’s do it together.

via Tumblr RealizationWhen I went to NYC a decade or so ago I didn’t like it. I thought it smelled the people...

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