Sunday, July 22, 2018

At Peace

At peace

One of the toughest things to accomplish while learning DBT is the art of radical acceptance. When something I want doesn’t work out I have to be at peace with it. I must accept it. It is what it is.

Throughout my life I have hit highs and lows. The way I treat people hasn’t always been kind. In fact when I had my psychotic break in 2016 many people turned their back on me. Even before then it was tough to be accepted into many social circles and build friendships. I always had the inkling people were going to walk away.

I was telling my wife yesterday that I have finally come to terms with many of the disappearing acts out of my life. Starting with my immediate family. My father has never been a father. He has always been psychologically abusive. I could really get into the dark dirty details of my upbringing and I will say that I was not a perfect kid. I was trying to find my way between being bullied and trying to gain approval acceptance from both friends and family. The way he treated me and my lack of having real true blood friends spilled out to my brother who has been so cold to me over the years despite numerous attempts of trying to reach out to him and try to patch things up. My family doesn’t seem to care what is happening with me my immediate family or anything resembling my life. So I have been angry. Angry for oh so long and recently I have accepted it.

My brother called me one day to ask if I wanted to work for him. Myself being a business owner and contractor to a company am always looking for opportunities. However due to things that happened the last time we worked together I thought it would be in our best interests not to work together again because once again I believed in a fairy tale that we would rebuild our relationship and I could see my nephews and niece who I love dearly more often. He got mad obviously but couldn’t share that with me. I found him others to work since he was short on drivers and didn’t even get a thank you. I also didn’t get a call on my birthday. So I realize now he isn’t interested in a relationship with me. The only way I got him to call me was telling him I was going to kill myself which I had serious thoughts of doing and I contacted five people to talk me out of it because that is what I needed.

As far as my dear old dad when I did work for my brother we had the falling out and my dad just stopped talking to me. He didn’t care that he had two grand daughters. When I decided to get married I invited him and he turned down the invite at first. But then he wanted to come and we talked on the phone a little. Later on we had a party at my house and both my brother and father thought it would be a good idea to get into an argument in my basement too. Shortly after that my dad once again out of nowhere stopped talking to me once again cutting my kids out of his life as well. On Christmas he sent an anonymous text wishing me a merry Christmas. I was angry. Who the fuck does he think he is to just bounce in and out of my life whenever he feels like it? And I blame many of my behavioral tendencies on him. The way he treated me growing up to now is not ok.

These two people have become toxic parts of my life because of the hurt I feel when I think of them. So I as in the dbt playbook says let it go. I have become peaceful with my decision. It’s not what I ultimately want. I want to have a loving family support me. I wanted a relationship with my brother so bad. But I now see in the end the see saw games do not work with me. I need real not conveinient. Not a relationship when you feel its your obligation. It’s a real heartbreak that when I lost my mom in 99 the dominoes fell.

There are other instances. For instance pretty much my whole wedding party is out of my life. A guy who I called my best friend never wants to talk to me. It’s the biggest one sided relationship ever. A woman who I thought was one of my best friends shut me out of her life during my psychotic break. She was also friends with my wife who was dealing with my issues and she just withdrew all support from her as well and went from I can only talk tv shows with you to blocking us on Facebook and cutting us out forever. My other friend comes and goes but everytime he invites me to a family party I get a call a few days making sure I won’t be mad at his stepdad who almost ruined my entire life. He hired me for a job and was so verbally abusive and manipulative to me it wasn’t funny. He played me like a fiddle and then sold me out to the company he was ripping off and cost me my job. A man who thought to be a mentor pretty much got rid of me because he obviously doesn’t understand mental health issues. However all these situations are not things I can change. I can only tell people I’m stable now. They have to make the choice whether or I I’m worth having in their life.

The way I see it I am important. I am worth something and my whole life I have glommed on to whatever clique I could. Trying to befriend people who made fun of me did their best to make me mad and hurt me for their amusement and at the end of the day devalued myself because I wasn’t comfortable being alone. However things have changed. I know I have BPD now and it has played a huge part in my life and many things that happened. I didn’t know who I was for decades but now I’m taking the time to learn. I will succeed. I will win the love and trust of the people who matter most. That is my two kids who are the most wonderful people in the world and my embattled wife my best friend who has been the victim of the majority of my behaviors.

The more I get to know who I am the better I feel. The more comfortable I get. And although everything may not go my way. Everything won’t happen as fast as I want. And perhaps I may be in the end alone. I need to be at peace with it. Because from peace comes love growth understanding and so much more.

Trust the process


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